i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
