I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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