When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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