I will die if light touches me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
