i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
