the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
