All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
