i just sent this text using only my big toe
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
