She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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