better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
