Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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