how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
