I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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