If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
