I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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