Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
smell my finger.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
