I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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