The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
