it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
FUCK WHALES
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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