I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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