I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
