he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize