and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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