I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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