my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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