I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
