Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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