Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
