Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
