the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
