At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize