at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
