im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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