don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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