thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
