I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
