wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
