What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
