Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he shaved USA in his pubs
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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