So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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