I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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