I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
