break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
