I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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