OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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