Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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