Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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