And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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