he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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