Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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