put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
