First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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