nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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