how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
