Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize