It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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