Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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