i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize