my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
