Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
